I have been retired for four years, one month, two weeks, and three days. And I am still trying to discover who I am or what I can be outside of who I was in the workplace. It's shocking to me how much of my "self" was defined and reinforced by what I did during those forty years.
Nothing seems to have prepared me for the freedom to do exactly what I want to do with my time. I'm slow to learn new ways of being, that's obvious. And it isn't that I don't enjoy the luxury of sleeping in of a morning, or lingering over the paper, or reading a novel in the middle of the day. But I do miss the daily routine, the conversation with co-workers, the working lunches...and the feedback and reinforcement (positive or negative!) that what I am doing makes a difference.
My family are very supportive and appreciative of what I do with and for them -- it isn't that. And I do enjoy having time to iron pillowcases and tablecloths, to cook meals, work in the garden, and create the home I've always wanted without giving any of these tasks short-shrift because of the press of "real" work.
So I struggle now to discover the me in retirement. And it is not an easy journey, in spite of the fact that I have more time than ever before to pursue this "me." I am realizing how much has depended on the outside world, the mirrors that others held up that help reveal the facets of self that might otherwise go unrecognized. It is a self-absorbed journey, I agree, but no more so than it has been all along. I see that now.
Perhaps it is what we humans are always about. Looking for affirmation, response, definition when we can't find the words -- from others. Now I am the wife, the mother, the grandmother, the mother-in-law, the volunteer -- and I have to face the challenge of sometimes being lonely, sometimes feeling disconnected, and sometimes being in absolute free-fall.
I never expected this. Nothing has prepared me for it. But I refuse to apologize for finding this particular journey so personally and so particularly challenging. I have always loved a challenge. And that's not different. I'll hang on to that.
